My wife: So, you were flying United?

 I'm not going to put you through the whole ordeal step-by-step. Suffice it to say that this started as a typical rushing through the airport dream. It peaked when I discovered that instead of a life vest, under my airplane seat was a yak milk dispenser, and that this could solve my conflict with the poorly-behaved child sitting in front of me. The denouement involved me trying to juggle 6 cups of sludgy, curdy yak milk as I deplaned, à la "why can't I hold all these limes?" 

Quick, someone psychoanalyze me!