exasperative and other esoteric emotions

-Didn't wear a coat or any practical winter accessories because it wasn't that cold out when I left, the weather turned and it was 24 with wind chill when I walked home. 

-Came across a business whose slogan is "Service like your daddy used to get!" 

-I've never been one to get super invested in my job, but I like my current attorneys enough that I'm actually...invested in their success??? And anxious on their behalf sometimes??? It's all very strange. 

-Obsessed with this youtube channel lately. Just as soothing as Jun's Kitchen, but likely with a lot more propaganda. 

-Finally painted the hallway (powder blue) and hung a ton of art over the long weekend, and it's delightful. My house's previous owners with their penchant for dingy yellow can SUCK IT. 

After a year of ownership, I finally bonded with my Kindle and started taking it to work with me. Since Goodreads mysteriously won't let me make an account (claiming I already have an account?) while not letting me log into the existing account I have no recollection of or reset my password, I'm going to try and organize my reading here.

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes by Caitlin Doughty

I love down-to-earth books about lofty topics. This one felt like a dare to peek behind a curtain, a reminder to poke at a missing tooth. It also captured the sensation of obsession very well. However, the last couple of chapters took a disheartening turn for the parable. I don't want my reading about messy, complicated topics to be Morally Improving! And definitely not when it's as terrible a take as "death and suffering bring a necessary balance to the world, therefore they must be embraced".

The Little Book of Hygge/Lykke by Meik Wiking

A cute, fluffy read. I like reading about other cultures, but this was a bit too "anthro 101 for ethnocentric Americans" to scratch that itch fully. It's inspired me to buy/light more candles, and to prioritize pro-social activities a bit more. We'll see how long this lasts.

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

OH MY GOD THIS BOOK! This is, ostensibly, a book for and about people whose sex lives are floundering despite (and sometimes because of) their love for their partners. And I'm sure it has some good insights for those people. But I was just filled with boundless delight and smugness because never has a book so accurately captured and described how I process sexuality. I mean this in the broadest sense. It gave me a fluent language for something I'd barely been able to articulate in the past. Now, when I describe a lot of what I like as "tension, contrast, or juxtaposition", I can elaborate and point people to this book instead of going "if that doesn't strike a chord for you then idk how else to explain".

Stiff by Mary Roach

Stiff was a necessary counterpoint to Smoke Gets In Your Eyes. It has a narrower focus (cadavers!) but a broader perspective, and I'm glad I read the two books within the same week. I have shockingly little to say about this book given how much I liked it. Since I've never found bodies particularly horrifying or titillating, what interested me most was the behind-the-scenes looks at other people's research, professions, and normal*.

The State of Affairs by Esther Perel

This book was solid and interesting, but way less revelatory than Mating in Captivity. I've also done a fair bit of thinking about the nature of monogamy, boundaries, privacy, and duty** within relationships. People who are monogamous, or poly but haven't Seen Some Shit would probably appreciate it more. 



* In this way, it reminds me a bit of Dick Francis. I liked his stuff best for diving deep into the mind of another, non-equine profession. 
** They're all about duty! 

 kitchenghosts /butteryplanet  makes the most stunning cinemagraphs, that give me an almost ASMR-esque experience. The ambiance on her tumblr is great, since the whole page autoplays. 

I'm pretty sure this is what Hogwarts is like in between Dumbledore's bullshit. 

I always loved being a changeling.

This statement probably needs some contextualizing.

I had to use the Wayback Machine to find this. Since the purge, you can find the author on twitter. RIP every tumblr post that was put behind a cut for its juicy, juicy length.

( Here is a story about changelings: )

This all came up because I was reading this piece today, wherein the author describes a series of nightmares that follow the changeling narrative. Her dreams involved a profound sense of being an impostor, pretending to be the real version of herself. For her, being found out was inevitable and horrifying.

Anyway. I was a changeling. At the time, I conceptualized it more as being an invisible friend for the real inhabitor of my body, who had died suddenly and left me in her stead. I was aware of the exact moment when she died and I came into existence. I wanted to protect her and do her justice, but I didn't feel beholden--a sensation I try to channel towards my younger self. I felt like I actually became a new homunculus.

I was a changeling and no one believed me. My parents constructed an elaborate persona around the OG, who grew at the same pace as me but otherwise bore no resemblance. I haven't spoken to either of them in years, but I can tell based on the occasional email I receive that their habits haven't been disrupted by my absence. They love me too much to entertain the ~inherent deception~ and obliqueness of my existence.

I'm a changeling who remembers my roots, and chooses to stay.

I accidentally gave myself some very light welts on my arms last night, and didn’t realize until I got to work wearing a short sleeved top. Is ye olde bear attack excuse going to look too much like I’m hiding a sex/kink injury? Or will it make my coworkers double down with the questioning? They are attorneys, after all. They all relish a puzzle. 

Relatedly, it turns out that jumping rope is something you can forget how to do. I’m actually really excited about this development! It means that just figuring it out will keep me entertained and likely to do it for longer, and I’ll get the euphoria of getting noticeably better at something all over again.